Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Keep Dreaming

For a long time, I imagined that if I could just leave behind the day job and focus only on my own business then I would gain some new level of clarity and creative genius I hadn’t been able to reach with the obstacles that having a “regular job” created. I envisioned time to delve deeply into personal projects, never again getting behind on editing, time to write and create freely, and a muse that was always within reach and readily available. There would be hardships and setbacks, of course. There would be worry, too - but I had been a worrier back when I had a regular paycheck as well. 

The truth is, running your own business is a lot like having children - as much as you read about it, study it, and believe in your readiness for it, you just can’t know until you’re really there. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t really know. I knew it would be great, but I didn’t really know that, either. 

Working alone every day is lonely. Funneling everything you have into your creativity is exhausting, and often leaves you with more questions than answers. There isn't time to delve deeply into personal projects, or to gleefully watch as your creativity expands to fill the entire universe. After the kids are in bed, you are back at it, because you have to be. No one encourages your quest for personal wellness - it only happens when you make sure to make time for it. The muse is absolutely not within reach and readily available. She shows up much more like a comet or a shooting star, where you catch a fleeting glimpse and then wonder if that’s really what you saw. 

All of this is not to say that I’m not happy to be where I am, because believe me, I am overjoyed. I know with every fiber of my being and every gray hair taking its place on my temples that I’m on the right path. I’m happier and more “in my own skin” in this job than I ever was in any previous place of employment. I’m who I say I am and who I want to be, more or less. I can’t believe this is my life. But not in the pure, black and white way you hear other people say it. It’s way more of a gray area than I ever thought possible. A gray area where I belong, for sure, but still gray. 

It’s winter. My office is too cold in the morning because there’s no one here to put the heat on other than me. My main task right now is number management, in preparation for taxes. Did I mention I am not an accountant? Not my favorite thing. My muse is elusive right now. I see fleeting glimpses but I just don’t even know if it’s really her. I suppose if my life was pure black and white I could be looking for my muse in some exotic place, or on some snow-capped mountaintop. Instead, I look for her right where I am, right where I can be right now whilst juggling all the plates I am currently spinning. 

So here is my day, my life I can’t believe is mine: numbers, emails, phone calls. Homework, yoga, pancakes for dinner, making homemade Valentine’s. Writing and photo editing after the kids go to bed. More of the same tomorrow. Imperfect, but perfectly mine, the gray area I choose to inhabit with the trust that the muse will keep showing up, and I’ll keep catching enough of a glimpse out of the corner of my eye to keep dreaming. 


Thanks to Dora for being my photo assistant today. All photos including me were taken by her. 


  1. This is so true! When I started my own business, I thought I knew everything but now three years later I've learned so much. I've watched friends succeed and friends fail over and over. It's something you've got to be ready for!

  2. افضل شركات التنظيف بالرياض هى شركة ركن كلين والتى الان نتعرف على بعض الخدمات التى تقدمها الشركة وهوى موجز سريع على كل النظافة الا وهى نظافة البيوت وايضا الفلل والقصور او الحدائق على اعلى مستوى.ولاكن مهما قلنا لانقدر هذة الشركة بالفعل ان الشركة بمعن الكلمة ولسنا مثل باقى الشركات الذين يحلون فى الكليمات والحديث الشيق لكى يجلبو زبائنهم لينالو منهم الغرد الا و هوى اهدار اموالهم من كافة العملاء الكرام فلذالك احذر التقليد وعليك بالشركة الاصلية هى شركة ركن كلين
    ان تنظيف المجالس والانتريهات والاهتمام بها هو من اهم الاشياء او عناويين الجمال والمنظر العام ولكن بسبب انشغال بة المنزل فى اعمال المطبخ فهى لاتجد متسع من الوقت لكى ننظف اولتنظيف المجالس كما ان هناك بعض

    الاوساخ والدهون المتراقمة التى يصعب تنظيفها بالطرق التقليدية او اى وسيلة غير فى شركة ركن كلين والاطفال يقومون بتوسيخ المجالس اكتر شىء عندما يلعبون ويلهون بالقرب من المجالس فيجب عليك الا تتأخر فى البحث عن افضل شركة تنظيف مجالس بالرياض والامر الصعب فى الموضوع هو ان تختار احدى الشركات المظبوطة من بين جميع الشركات التى تعمل فى مجال تنظيف المجالس او ( شركة تنظيف بالرياض مجربه ) كما ان هناك ما يميز نا عن باقى الشركات الاخرى فى الثمعة ودقت المواعيد التى لا يلتزم بها بعض الشركات او اكثر الشركات الان بالفعل ولكن( شركة تنظيف مطابخ بالرياض )اى شركة ركن كلين تقول لعملاءها انها هى الشركة الافضل الأن من بين جميع الشركات التى تعمل فى مجال التنظيف وخاصة تنظيف المجالس بالرياض ويوجد ايضا ( شركات تنظيف رخيصه ) وليس فقط فى الرياض بل فى جميع انحاء المنطقة الشرقية وكذالك بسبب استخدام الشركة للمعدات الفريدة من نوعها والحديثة والمتطورة فى القيام بتنظيف الكنب والمجالس كما ان الشركة تقوم بتنظيف المجالس والمنب والستائر بالبخار لان البخار الساخن يقوم بازالة البقع والاتربة و الدهون الموجودة على المجالس كما ان البخار الساخن لا يسبب اى ضرر بقماش المجالس كما ان شركة ركن كلين تقد م ارخص واحسن الاسعار الموجودة فى الاسواق والتى لايمكن ان تجدها او تتخيلها والتى تتناسب مع كل الطبقات كما ان الاسعار التى تقدمها شركة ركن كلين بالنسبة لتنظيف المجالس بالدمام لايمكن مقارنتها باى حال من الاحوال مع باقى الشركات التى تقوم بتنظيف الكنب والستائر والمجالس بالدمام فشركة ركن كلين هى
    ارخص شركة تنظيف منازل بالرياض وليس فقط الارخص فى الرياض بل فى جميع اانحاء المناطق حتى فى منطقة الدمام وايضا شركة ركن كلين تقوم او تقدم ضمان خمس سنوات ومتابعة دورية للعميل على العمل الازم من كل شىء ولذالك تكون افضل شركة تنظيف الشاملة من موكيت وستائر وكنب هى شركة ركن كلين المعروفة عالمية ودوليا والسلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
    ارخص شركة تنظيف بالرياض
    شركة تنظيف المنازل بالرياض
    تنظيف منازل فى الرياض
    تنظيف منازل

  3. Gclub 69 Gambling Site Rankings
    บาคาร่า The site is open to the side of the game, Internet gambling. It is the first in Siam that it is. Due to the extensive work that has been in place for more than 9 years since its founding in the Isle of Man. I received a consent to open. Make Money Online It is the first law.
    Our online betting site is broadcast live from the famous betting house. Via video camera Then the players risky to come together to bet the duel gambling through the Internet. I have been widely popular. And service in many languages. It is famous for spreading to Asia in the name of Gclub, a famous casino in the area is located in Poipet. Cambodia
    Our internet gambling site is a risky game for everyone to choose from, such as dragon tigers. The most popular game of risk gambling in Cambodia. The game is similar to playing baccarat, but instead of the Player with Banker is a Tiger with a dragon and if the same. The dealer has half. And the indispensable is that pop bounce and many favorite games that we have chosen is wonderful for all of you according to the taste of the individual site. Gclub มือถือ